I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
