David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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