I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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