yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize