look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
