Redeem this text for a blowjob
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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