You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She announced her abortion via fbk
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
