Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
