we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
