Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
