I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
