don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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