Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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