woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
