Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
