I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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