if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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