My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
