Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
