Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
