i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
