its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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