Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
