Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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