I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
