i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
