Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
