By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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