I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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