I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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