worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
