I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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