tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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