We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
