I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
