I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
