Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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