if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
