nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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