I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
