i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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