There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
