Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize