I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
