Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
