TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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