I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
