On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
