I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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