i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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