Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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