Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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