I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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