i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
