He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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