Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
