I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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