He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
