i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
