i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
